why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I love you.
Bad choice
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