Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
