Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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