If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
