Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
where are my eyebrows?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
