Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
