Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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