So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
