I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
