im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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