Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
