So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
