How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
