so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
