Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
What drink are we having for lunch?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
