His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
