There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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