so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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