nut hugger
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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