There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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