my phone needs a breathalizer
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
