What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
