I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
