Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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