lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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