I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
