I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
