I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Operation Purity has been aborted
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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