Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
