We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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