Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
