Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
