dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just puked most of my soul out..
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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