Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
