And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
