You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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