her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
