He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
