I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
