he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize