somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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