I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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