I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
