You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So many bounce houses so little time
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
