I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
