Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
