I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
