Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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