Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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