It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
