The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
