My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
