she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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