I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
