I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
