i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I need a beard to bite.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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