the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
