did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
